Disneyworld

A Masochist's Guide to the Happiest Place on Earth

           Disneyworld, the happiest place on Earth? I think not. Forget the lines jammed-packed with Crocs, khaki shorts, and sugar-high children who can’t stand still. Never mind the crowds, and dodging strangers’ family photos like landmines on your way to a restroom. Let’s talk about the rides. The nightmare-inducing, deep-rooted-trauma-causing rides of my childhood.  

Sisu

Tough Love & Grits

        Sisu is a Finnish term that lacks a direct translation in English. It’s a package of grit, determination, and resilience, which defines the Finns’ national character.

        In other words, Finns are tough f#ckers. Tough enough to fight off the Russians and the Nazis. For fun, they cross-county ski, literally across the country, in minus 40 degrees Celsius. If you don’t know what minus 40 degrees Celsius feels like, it’s snot-freezing cold. So cold, your eyelashes grow icicles. All your caloric energy goes towards warming your bladder so your piss doesn’t solidify.

No Friends

Guest Post by CatMom4Ever

I’ve lived on this planet for 28 years, without one friend to show for it. I’d have better luck on Mars: excavating rocks with the Rover, gossiping about their composition over brunch.

“Don’t bother with shale. It has a reputation for being flakey,” I’d gab, sipping a Mimosa in low gravity.

The Rover would squeak back a “hell ya!”, and give me a high five with its little robotic arm.

When I quit litigation for waitressing, I brought my killer instinct with me

Warning: Your Millennial Server May Be a Trial Lawyer

Please, don’t raise your voice and call me stupid when I bring you your lettuce wraps sans cashews.

Yes, I know you’re allergic to peanuts, not nut-nuts, but listen lady – okay, I get it, you were really looking forward to your cashews – but out of an abundance of caution the kitchen neglected putting them on your plate for reasons of cross-contamination, which, I would argue, meets the standard of a reasonably prudent establishment guarding against a civil lawsuit for your allergic reaction (gasp for air) …

Trust me, you do not want to wake the dragon, the fire-breathing litigator inside me, your 5-foot-1-inch server.